Getting Called Out
Once, many years ago, I was in line early season at KT-22 at Palisades, eagerly anticipating the opening day of my favorite ski lift of all time. I wasn’t wearing a helmet for the second day in a row. It was early season, so I told myself I’d be skiing mellow, plus it was the cool kid thing to do, like, I’m not trying too hard, I’m just out here casually ripping in my beanie.
As I was chatting with my friends in line, a woman tapped me on my shoulder from the next lane over. “Hey Ingrid,” she told me, “Our kids are all looking up to you. When they see you wearing a helmet, it makes them want to wear one. And when you aren’t wearing one, well, it is harder for me to get them to wear it.” She said it in a mostly pleasant tone, but there was a slight edge to it, which I now recognize as a parent’s slight desperation at fighting the losing battles against negative outside influences on your kid. I skied a few runs but then it felt a bit jinxed, so I went home. Then, a friend called me and told me that people were writing about me online, so I checked the forum.
There was a thread about pro skiers wearing helmets, and someone was calling me out. “I can’t believe her sponsors pay her to wear a helmet and she’s out there skiing without one. She should get dropped.”
My scandalous non-helmet behavior was making waves! I had never had this experience before where people were paying so much attention to me. I felt chastened, like a kid in trouble. I was worried my sponsors would find out.
Needless to say, I haven’t shown up at a resort without a helmet a single day since then, nearly 18 years later.
Of the two approaches that were taken to get me to wear a helmet, they both worked in that moment, but one was more effective in changing my behavior on a core level.
The online person chose to use shame, to “call me out” in a public manner. They were saying what I should do, and what punishments should be brought upon me. In my experience, shame brings action in the short term, as the shamed person fears punishment or further shame. When behavior changes come from external pressure or shame, the resulting behavior change is performative. It doesn’t come with deep reflection, thought, or autonomy. It’s doing X to avoid Y (shame, people talking bad about me online, potential loss of sponsors).
In contrast, long-term behavior changes come from the heart, when someone wants to change their actions because it feels good, for the right reason.
The way that the mom in the lift line “called me in,” by speaking directly to me in person, and letting me know what was important to her and why, was a much more effective method for getting me to change my actions in the long-term. She wasn’t shaming me. She was letting me know the consequences of my behavior, and letting me see that my choices could lead to a positive impact on her kids. This has stuck with me, and if there’s ever been a thought in my mind about wearing a helmet or not, it’s been something I don’t even think twice about, because of that woman’s kids. I do X (wear the helmet) to gain Z (feeling good about helping kids be safer).
In this age of constant online bickering and calling out, it’s important for me to keep in mind the distinction between calling out and calling in, and remembering that calling in—asking for what you want in a clear manner, and letting someone know the positive impact from their behavior change—can have a more positive, long-term impact.
Thanks for reading!
A few links:
Greek Goddess Dip, the perfect vehicle for an easy “Dip Dinner,” where you pull out all the veggies, chips, bread, cheese etc. and offer a few things to dip them in. Bonus: the fridge gets cleaned out, too. (NYT, Unlocked. PS: I made it with sour cream instead of yogurt, used only the herbs that I had—cilantro, dill, parsley— and didn’t use the mayo, and it was delicious.)
A video about one of my ski heroes, Wendy Fisher, called Supermom. (Youtube link, 12 minute video).
Very interesting podcast with Candace Parker, a mom and basketball hero, about her career and balance, that a friend sent me. (Link to Spotify).
—ingrid
